By popular demand, I'll be profiling eligible men for this blogsite's chiobu network's (Agent 000, Pam, Chiobu etc) assessment and consideration.

These guys are my friends (really!) …. Until they read their profiles, that is.

For confidentiality reasons, I can only use their nicknames.

If you are keen to get to know them better, drop me a note by clicking on "contact me" in the left hand column.

 

First up is the people's choice for super nice guy.  Ask any ah pek or ah soh in the bukit timah area coffee shop, they will know him.

 

 

Stuff he's born with (aka Bo-pian stuff)

(Nick)Name: Einstein

Age: Sweet 33 going on 34.

Height: 1.60m (you know what they say about shorter men … wink, wink)

Weight: 60 kg

Hunk factor (/10): 7, moderate built, no paunch (like mine)

Looks: Ok lah. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, correct?  Some say he looks like Leslie Cheung.

 

 

Stuff to impress your parents

Education: Stanford (MSc), Havard (MBA).  In sec school and JC, every year top 5 student.

Occupation: Corporate Strategist (don't pray pray). I don't know the details cos he has to kill me if he tells me.

Ability to eat your mum's cooking (/10): 10. To win your mum heart, he will eat swill.

Ability to suck up to your dad (/10): 3.  Being an honest guy, he will actually tell your dad that he looks cock in a pair of worn out blue Great Wall brand kopi-tiam cheena boxers.

Others: He will wear any obiang tie your mother buys him

 

 

Stuff to impress you

1.  Has traveled to all continents, yes, including Antarctica to see penguins.  (Dunno why he went there.  Jurong Bird Park also got what. Won't kena frost bite also)

2.  Can rock climb, windsurf, golf, play tennis, leap over buildings in a single bound (just kidding).

3.  Ballroom and bar top dancing.

4.  Can give accurate stock tips (*disclaimer: I'm typing under the influence of excessive bakpok in my meepok.  Hence my views are not representative of market views of Einstein's stockpicks).

5.  Cooks damn well.

6.  Will open all doors for you and treat you like God's gift to men (Note: He will also open the toilet door for you if he likes you enough).

7.  Taekwondo brown belt (can break 7 tiles with one punch).

 

 

Vital $tati$tic$

Income: Definitely 6 figure.

Net worth: High, cos he doesn't spend $ on himself.

Willingness to spend $ to wow a gal (/10): 10, Very willing.  Ask and you shall receive.

Willingness to spend $ on friends (/10): 6, saving money to spend on gal.

Car: Honda Civic.  Again, saving money to spend on gal.

Living in: 5 room bukit timah exec apt with his parents.  Has properties in Australia, US and UK. (smart investor heh?)

 

 

Stuff that are nurtured

Good habits: Doesn't drink, smoke, gamble

Bad habits: Ditto and treats women too nicely (IMO, women must kena tekan once in a while).

What I like most about him: Loyal, loving friend who will stick by you through thick and thin,

What I like least about him:  He is smarter than me … He was my classmate in Pri 6. He abandoned me after PSLE and went to Sec 1 when I had two more years in Primary school to go.

 

 

His pickup lines

"I will worship to ground you walk on"

"Wanna go check out my collection of Issac Asimov books"

"Do you want to see the new undies my mum bought me?"

 

Why still no GF?

The right woman hasn't come along (Yeah right.  Picky say so lah !!)

 

 

Looking for

A good natured, not too tall Christian gal, preferably chio.  Ah lians and old ah sohs need not apply.

 

I despise men who tell their romantic sob stories on radio talk shows.

I really do.

 

It was dedication time on class 95.

Dan told the DJ that he met Anna in school and they were inseparable.

Until she got a job as an air stewardess, that is.

It became a long distance relationship with lots of IDD calls.

Then entered a 3^rd party and Dan threw in the towel.

Anna left Dan and till today, Dan is still hoping for Anna to come back to him.

It been 3 years !!

He dedicated the song "What have I done to deserve this?" by the Pet Shop Boys to Anna.

 

I despise men who tell their romantic sob stories on radio talk shows.

I really do.

 

If I were Anna , I'd dedicate the song "Hey, stupid" by Alice Cooper to Dan.

It's been 3 years and that dope still has the hots for a gal who ditched him, after he couldn't compete for her affection.

Dan, if she is so good, why did you not stay and fight the good fight in the first place?

You weakling.

Where is your pride Dan ?

Where is your dignity?

Hasn't the army taught you anything about overcoming adversity?

(Or were you a sissy showboy in the SAF Music & Drama Company)

 

Dan you're pouring out your heart out on national radio to a gal who probably isn't listening in.

You are pathetic.

Are you a man?

What's wrong with you?

 

There are so many cha bohs out there.

Give yourself another chance to love again.

Holding on to the past will not help matters.

 

Don't be a wuss ….. move on ……..

 

For those who need help for matters of the heart, get in touch with Doctor Love.

Call 1900-MEE-POK-TAH**

** premium call rates apply

Several months ago, my mum asked me: "Why are you driving such a small car?  For a tall person like you, you need a BMW or Mercedes."

My reply: "hmpgsai akahassgkh akha."

(She didn't hear what I said which was "Mum, for a tall person like me, I need to drive a bus or truck.")

She then expressed her concern: "You got no money to buy car is it?  Stop giving money to charities and church lah !!"

My reply: "ttasdfg alihp twateqd !!." (she didn't hear what I said, again, which was  "ttasdfg alihp twateqd !!.")

She mumbled: "My friend's son got big BMW leh.", and she walked away.

 

People associate one's level of success in life to the car they drive.

The bigger and higher cc (engine capacity) the better you're doing in life.

The (sad) Singaporean reality: YOU ARE YOUR CAR.

If I were to own the following cars, this is what people are likely to be thinking.

 

Rolls Royce/Ferrari/Maserati

Wah !  All Hail King Meepok.  We are honoured to be in your presence.  I worship the ground you walk on.  Gimme a call anytime and I'll show up at your 20,000 sq ft home in Sixth Avenue.

 

Merc / BMW

Steady lah brudder.  You've got class man.  You must be doing very well.  Your parents must be very proud of you and your landed property in near the city. Hey, by the way, got a few thousand dollars to lend

Toyota/Nissan/Mazda

So, you are a salaried worker who can barely afford a cheap condo in the suburbs?  You are what I call a man in the street.  I won't lose sleep if I don't get the chance to get to know you better.

 

Hyundai / Kia/ Proton

No money, die die also want to buy car.  You use the car to do part time delivery work to make ends meet is it?  You got money to pay for your HDB mortgage or not?  If you don't talk to me, I definitely won't approach you.

 

Blue Datsun pickup

Aiyoh … Must be down and out contractor.  And, by the way, I don't have money to lend you.   If the government repossesses your HDB flat, don't look for me too. Basically, don't come near me!  If I were your parents, I'd disown you.

 

Exaggerated? Maybe.

But let's face it; such are the mindsets of people nowadays.

Hence people are prepared to take 10 year loans to buy a BMW 7 series (a depreciating asset) and choose to stay in a small 3 room HDB flat.

Really silly, cos if the beemer is an instrument to pick up chicks, where the hell are you doing to take them back to?  Your dingy 3 room flat?

  

I do not peg my self worth to the value of my car.

I am not my car (a mazda, black one, don't pray pray).

When I have excess cash, I'd rather channel the dosh to help needy kids maximize their potential through merit-based bursaries (called maximize your potential award).

My mum attended the bursary award ceremony the other day.

She finally understood my money is being put to good use.

Rather than to invest in wheels, I've chosen to invest in a child's future.

How I know my mum finally saw the light ?

She told me 2 days ago: "Make sure you take good care of your car and don't anyhow spend money on it.".

I said: "Yes ma, I will."

God works in mysterious ways.

I'm going to share with you the secrets of my new trade.
Make sure you don't forward this to the ah neh.

1) Look for a free source of water.  If the tap in your condo doesn't have a head, get one at the provision shop for $3 (cheap cheap good good).
2) Add 3 caps of car wash shampoo and mix well with water
3) Make sure suds form (as shown).  If suds don't form, don't be cheapo, buy a better shampoo.



4) Apply suds evenly on car.  Start from the roof of the car.  Water flows downwards remember?  If you do not know the concept of gravity, go to google and check keywords "Newton" and "Durian"


5) Don't be slack. Clean the rims also.  Must make kilat kilat for chio bus to admire.



6) Clean sponge and use 3 pails of clean water to wash off suds.  Start from roof of car again. Finish off at the car boot (as shown)



7) Using a piece of super high tech microfibre cloth**, dry the car.  Make sure you wash the cloth to get rid of dirt when it gets wet and wring it damn dry before using again.  Repeat until car is bone dry. (** you can use your SAF singlet too).


8) Must clean the inside of the car too  Give it a complete wipedown with another piece of microfibre cloth. Start from dashboard, then the panels, then the doors.  Wipe the leather seats last.  Try not to press the horn while cleaning the steering wheel.  Else the ah sohs in your estate may complain.



9) Last but not least, try to tidy the boot (if you can).

10) Pray that a bird doesn't shit on the car the moment you drive it out of the carpark.

How much are you prepared to pay for my car washing service?

Wah lau .... like that also can win ... sigh

Wake up and smell the roses lah.....

=========================================================

        Pic from Chinamates.com

You're 60 years old, holding on to a part time job after withdrawing your CPF.

Old, wrinkled, probably hunched and living alone in a 3 room HDB flat.

No one will take a second look at you when they pass you.

Then one day, a si peh chio 30 year old Zhong Guo lady (ZGCB), expresses interest in you.

You are elated.  There is justice after all ........

Next thing you know, ZGCB vacuums your $$ and disappears.

 

How many times have we read these stories, esp in New Paper?

Why do people fall prey to these seemingly obvious scams?

 

Some may say the Ah Pek may be lowly educated and susceptible to kena conned.

Pls lah (I hate to admit this) but men are hormonal creatures regardless of age.

The key is whether one is strong and smart enough to resist the temptation.

True Files 

I'll relate a true story of a man I met in Shanghai.

(names have been changed to protect to stoopid one).

 

Tim was a lecturer in a tertiary institute (a short, fat, ugly guy)

In 1990, he (40 years old then) saw an opportunity to start up a trading biz in China.

He sold his 6^th ave house to liquefy his assets and move his wife and kids to a HDB flat.

Armed with do$h, he left for Shanghai alone.

His biz was relatively successful and, of course, he courted the attention of the ladies there.

Jane, a ZGCB, became his confidant and later his mistress.

Because of some local laws, Tim had to set up a restaurant biz venture under Jane's name.

They did a roaring biz, the tills were ringing not stop.

In 2000, Tim returned to S'pore for 2 weeks to settle some Gahmen admin stuff.

When he returned to Shanghai, all his biz had been taken over by Jane.

She booted him out of the biz, bank accounts and all.

Tim kena played out and was left almost penniless.  Good thing he still had an apartment to his name.

For fear of losing face, he decided not return to S'pore.

He's now earning his keep as a pub manager in Shanghai.

Tim is a highly educated man …. Yet he was led by his loins.

 

Lessons learnt

1.  If a chio bu half your age hits on you, she's certainly not going for good looks (get real).

2.  ZGCB are dangerous, they really know how to stroke your ego, amongst other things

3.  Men are weak creatures.

 

At my previous job, I was offered to head up an operation in Shanghai on a one year posting (extendable to 2 years).

During which time, I had to be alone (ie. My wife will be in S'pore)

I turned down the offer as I refuse to knowingly subject myself to temptation.

While my friends will tell you that I'm able to resist the temptation, I'd rather not risk my marriage and happiness.

As the saying goes, water drop by drop will also break the boulder.

Look what happened to the Grand Canyon.

Point taken ?